So here’s the first look into my crazy story...
As a child I always felt different. Always felt I couldn’t keep up with the others. That I couldn’t match my brother, cousins, friends... I just didn’t have the energy, that’s how I explained it to my toddler self. As such, I didn’t spend that much time with other kids. I was often sitting around just listening to the adults, or reading, so they told me. No one really knew anything was wrong, including myself. Stoicism runs deep in my veins, it’s hereditary. Something that has served me but also made me suffer more than I deserved. My current battle is to step into raw authenticity and own who I am, completely, not be ashamed. Launching this, is a step in that direction. I’m grateful for you reading and allowing me to grow and be better for myself and others.
I have been in therapy since I was 17. I started because it had been years of unexplained bouts of illnesses that were either dismissed as stress from being a “high-achiever” or mono, which I was always tested for and never came back positive. Therapy was the only option I was given. Oh and anti-depressants and sleeping pills.
Being a high-achiever, I didn’t want to let “this” stop me from reaching my goals, which was wanting to be a doctor at the time. So I did then what I continue to do now: I do whatever I can to help myself, to get to the bottom of this and find a solution. Oh, did I mention I’m an engineer? This problem solving attitude was in me long before I was ringed as a biomedical engineer in my early 20s.
Recently, my childhood has been a bit of a focus point in my own mind’s eye; trying to figure out how I was as a child to maybe get a hint as to why I’m so unhealthy physically still in adulthood. I don’t remember much from childhood. I think that’s true for most of us. So piecing it together from anecdotes and whatnot has been a feat I’m still trying to tackle. We’re getting there. I’m still in therapy and I believe in it 110%!
I won’t go through the whole timeline, my crazy long and complicate medical history, that’s not the focus of today’s post. But I will in time, I promise.
What I’ll start with today is by acknowledging that I’ve been diagnosed with over 20 different medical conditions over the 30 years of my existence. Kinda hard to believe isn’t it? Let me tell you, it was shocking making a list of it all to prepare for this. Ouuufff that was a swift kick in the butt realization. The realization that I’ve been through adversity over and over and I’m still here. I’m chronically surviving.
I’m an “invisible” ... most of my debilitating conditions are not visible. And let me tell you, like most of us chronically ill, I’ve learned to do a pretty pro job at hiding it. Remember most often, people are fighting battles you know nothing about. Be kind always. Practicing the yogic teaching of ahimsa, which signify’s moral discipline has helped me. Ahimsa means non-harm, non-violence in thought, word and deed to oneself and others.
I am a “spoonie” ... if you’ve got some sort of chronic illness, most likely you’ve heard of the Spoon Theory. If not, put simply it’s a way for us to explain our limited energetic capacities in a given day compared to the mostly unlimited recharging ability able-bodiers have. So we call ourselves Spoonies. Most able-bodiers have about 10 usable hours in a given day, an unlimited amount of spoons because they can recharge and regain them. I have more like 4-5 hours on a good day or 12 spoons. Oh and it takes me one spoon to brush my teeth and wash my face, and another 2-3 to make and eat breakfast and take my meds... haven’t even got dressed yet and I’m already down to 8 spoons for the rest of the day. Conservation is key! So being an invisible, a spoonie, I try to fit and cram in all the activities of a quality life in 4 hours instead of 10. Trust me when I say this takes good time management skills and a lot discipline. If I steal an hour or a spoon from the next day, I’ll start at a loss tomorrow. Remember we don’t recharge like able-bodiers. We’re spoonies and we must always save a spoon for the unknown, for the unpredictable! So I practice the yogic art of asteya, which represents non-stealing, recognizing that it is stemming from a feeling of not being good enough or lack of faith in our true selves. Trust me, you are good enough and you’re inherently worthy simply by being alive.
I’m a chronic survivor... Everyday I wake up and have to assess how my body is that day. What kind of day is it going to be? Let me tell you, it’s not exactly the funnest way to wake up, especially when it’s accompanied with pain, nausea, stiffness… So I go through the same process everyday. Routine is key for me to stay on top of things and ensure my best quality of life. Sometimes the boat gets rocked. And that’s ok, well at least it seems to be getting a little easier… What’s helped is awareness, contentment. Being ‘content' doesn't mean idly sitting back and relinquishing our will. It simply means accepting and appreciating what we have and what we are already, and moving forwards from there with clarity and tenderness.
So that’s a little snippet about me and maybe an inclination as to what’s to come.
What’s your story? I’m dying to hear it.
Much Love,
Marcelle XO
What’s Your Story?
Comment below. This is a safe place. Whether it be physical, mental, emotional… You have a place here. I want to hear your story.